Week 90: Bill Us Now

The Snowe-White dwarf anti-defamation bill.

The Tate-LoBiondo crime bill.

The Cubin-English foreign accent discrimination act.

The Doyle-Lee antimacassar preservation act.

This week's contest was suggested by Ira P. Robbins of Bethesda, who wins a can of "spiced octopus in spicy tomato sauce," personally donated to the Style Invitational by Dave Barry. Ira suggests reprising one of our earliest contests, in which you were asked to come up with funny legislation based on the names of real congresspersons. This time, however, we will limit the names to the 102 freshmen. Their names follow:

Abraham, Ashcroft, Baldacci, Barr, Bass, Bentsen, Bilbray, Bono, Brooks, Brownback, Bryant, Bunn, Burr, Chabot, Chambliss, Chenoweth, Christensen, Chrysler, Coburn, Cooley, Cremeans, Cubin, Davis, DeWine, Doggett, Doyle, Ehrlich, English, Ensign, Fattah, Flanagan, Foley, Forbes, Fox, Frelinghuysen, Frisa, Frist, Funderburk, Ganske, Graham, Grams, Gutknecht, Hastings, Hayworth, Heineman, Hilleary, Hostettler, Inhofe, Jones, Kelly, Kennedy, Kyl, LaHood, LaTourette, Largent, Latham, Lee, LoBiondo, Lofgren, Longley, Luther, Martini, Mascara, McCarthy, McIntosh, Metcalf, Moppert, Munster, Myrick, Nethercutt, Neumann, Ney, Norwood, Radanovich, Riggs, Rivers, Salmon, Sanford, Santorum, Scarborough, Seastrand, Shadegg, Smith, Snowe, Souder, Stockman, Tate, Thomas, Thompson, Thornberry, Tiahrt, Waldholtz, Wamp, Ward, Watts, Webber, Weldon, Weller, White, Whitfield, Wicker, Witt.

Choose your bill titles carefully; in the event of identical sponsor combinations, the most cleverly worded bill title will win. First-prize winner may choose any three items from Dave Barry's Christmas Gift Guide, a value of approximately $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 90, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received by Monday, Dec. 12. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness and humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads requests explanations for the artwork on the bottom of the page. Winner gets a giant goose flag. Send to Inscrutable Cartoon, c/o The Style Invitational, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 87, in which West Virginia reader Ann Joliffe wrote in to suggest that we publicize good things about her state, and we obliged with a contest. Before we get to the winners, we would like to extend a heartfelt big-city apology to Ann and each and every West Virginian who was offended, including the many Nobel laureates who wrote in to express their indignation. Apparently goaded into it by a local newspaper (the Charleston Loogie-Taterhead, as we recall) many angry persons sent letters, including entire high school classes, little old ladies, sputtering municipal officials and various other unamused citizens of the Mountain State. These correspondences were long and injured and furious, filled with words like dagnabit, many of them volunteering happy facts about West Virginia, such as the location of all its parks and libraries and fat-rendering plants.

One West Virginia folk artist sent us, as a postcard, the original cartoon reproduced at the bottom of this page, which we are fairly gol-danged certain is some sort of grievous insult involving the launching of cow doodyballs at the Capitol. Anyway, to all these West Virginians who feel we unfairly stereotyped their fine state, we offer only this lame explanation for our poor judgment: We were too busy smoking crack, having babies out of wedlock at taxpayer expense and perpetrating random drive-by shootings.

Fourth Runner-Up: West Virginia is a mecca for major appliance spotters. (Steven King, Alexandria)

Third Runner-Up: If it weren't for West Virginia, the Yosemite Sam Mudflaps Co. would have closed years ago. (Sherry Brown, Alexandria; also, Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Second Runner-Up: If it weren't for West Virginia, no one would have discovered that toad-licking was hallucinogenic. (Gerald Hrenko, Jr. Houston)

First Runner-Up: West Virginia takes education seriously, having introduced a successful "Stay in Skule" program. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

And the winner of the toothless Halloweeen mask:

Almost Haiti, West Virginia (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Honorable Mentions:

West Virginia, the Firewood State. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church)

Due to missing teeth, West Virginia has the highest rate of success of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

It's a place where everybody knows your name, because it's their name too. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

In West Virginia, it is possible to bury your dead without a lot of government meddling. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

In addition to snow days, ringworm days have been built into the school system. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

If it weren't for West Virginia, we would be homeless. (Karen and Ken Troccoli, West Virginia Avenue, Bethesda)

If I ever wanted to disappear, no one would look for me there. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Linguistic experts vouchsafe that West Virginians have more than 50 words for "cootie." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

It is the only state that can boast having these anagrams: In Grits I Wave, I Grin At Wives, and I, Virgin Sweat. (Russ Beland and Jerr Pannullo, Springfield)

The incidence of gunshot-related cow deaths has declined dramatically since the introduction of the "Hunters Silhouette Series." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

West Virginia: Where we don't even know the meaning of the word "illiteracy." (Russ Beland, Springfield)

Discounting accidental gun-discharge injuries, West Virginians now average only 5.5 toes per foot. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

It is so mountainous that the mule poop usually rolls downhill and out of the way. (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.)

Dental appointments are always easy to get. (Heather Nann Davis, Terra Alta, W.Va.)

West Virginia has the lowest incidence of white-collar crime in the country. (Austin Doyle and Elisa Braver, Silver Spring)

We, like the royal family, find no shame in marrying our cousins. (Heather Nann Davis, Terra Alta, W.Va.)

In West Virginia, one never has a problem finding a genetically compatible donor for an organ transplant. (Roland Williams, Burke)

There are valleys in West Virginia in which one cannot pick up the 4 p.m. news with Mike Buchanan. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

If it weren't for West Virginia, Waldorf, Md., would have no tourist industry. (Noel Hern, Alexandria)

You see some great tube tops at weddings in West Virginia. (Marshal Greenblatt, Potomac)

Great State Motto: You've Got a Relative in West Virginia! (John Kammer, Herndon)

West Virginia, where the rubber meets the dirt. (Russ Beland, Springfield)

In West Virginia, it is easy to find guys at work who can talk intelligently about the upcoming match between Hulk Hogan and Sergeant Slaughter. (Marshal Greenblatt, Potomac)

If it weren't for West Virginia, the country wouldn't have ANY tar paper quarries. (Walter Erickson, Southampton, Pa.)

Miss West Virginia is always a contender in the Miss America talent contest with a flawlessly performed seven-minute lube job. (Robin D. Grove, Washington)

If West Virginia had not split from Virginia during the Civil War and joined the Union, the delicate balance of military power would never have shifted to the North, and the Confederacy would have won, with unimaginably horrible consequences, like control of the government by power-crazed Southern politicians. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

West Virginia gives the citizens of Lenoir, N.C., a place to feel superior to. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.)

If it weren't for West Virginia, the Style Invitational Week 87 Contest would have instead solicited entries involving random references to bodily functions, e.g., puking. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

And Last:

We usually spell things correctly. (Ann Jolliffe, not Joliffe, Kingwood, W.Va.)